Kinship, rapport and belonging




“If I can listen to what he can tell me, If I can understand how it seems to him if I can see its personal meaning for him, if I can sense the emotional flavour it has for him, then I will be releasing potent forces of change in him”
Carl Rogers


“We have worked together for ten years but it is as if we have known each other our whole life. To see us work together is like watching magic happen. We don’t need to talk to each other, each knowing instinctively what the other is going to do. Jobs get done in half the time, yet we are no better than anyone else, our skills are just the same.


When we meet for our regular coffee catch-ups, we greet each other with a warm smile. The rest of the world disappears as we intently listen to each other talk, the flow is easy, the silences comfortable”

(case study)


The land of rapport


A common theme with a lot of people that come along for coaching is a sense of not being enough, a sense of being disconnected from their true nature.


You may wonder why then I am writing about rapport. I believe rapport, kinship and belonging can restore our true nature, returning us to our natural state of connection and to know deep down that we are enough.


It is so easy to see why our true nature gets eroded in this fast-paced world. Particularly over the last year and the pandemic, it is natural to feel disconnected and alone at times.


The beautiful antidote to all of this, connection, kinship, humanity. We are all on this rock spinning through space, it is a miracle that we are here, never really knowing how long we will be here either.


When all seems at odds, we can see that deep down, we are connected, we can rest in a land of rapport, no matter our different views. We have the same earth under our feet.


Rapport can build trust and understanding, togetherness and a sense of belonging that are unrivaled.


Rapport –the bedrock, the magic, a wonderful thing that brings people together.


Inner belonging


It may require us first of all to slow down enough to do some inner work. Often this is where we start out on a coaching journey, transforming that inner landscape with a big old dose of compassion and kindness.

Our minds can spin and spin with judgements, all those stories we have told ourselves. So the first step is so often to very gently slow down, to get some grounding, getting in touch again with what we need deep down.


Very gently, self-acceptance starts to surface, a quiet voice that says "you are enough and always will be"


I remember the day this happened to me, so vivid in my memory. It was as if I was greeting an old long-lost friend at the door, welcoming them in with open arms.


Of course, this journey is not linear, there will be days that our sense of belonging gets lost in the turmoil and chaos, but once you have found it again, you know it is there, always waiting for you to return, a little refuge where you can place your feet firmly on the ground and know that you belong, know that you are enough.


Quality of connection


Learning to focus on the quality of connection with others can radically transform how we live and move through this life. True mindful listening of others, is a skill that we can practice and one that has the power to transform our relationships, a doorway to the land of rapport.


Often we are thinking ahead when somebody is speaking, thinking of our next move, our next words. The more we practice being present and true listening, the more that rapport, kinship, and belonging can naturally rise to the surface.


Don't take my word for it, please try it out for yourself.


Focus on the quality of connection and something magical starts to happen.


A missing jigsaw piece


Of course, there are other things we perhaps need to look at on this road to belonging. Honouring and recognising our personal boundaries ( and patrolling them), exploring what it is we need to feel safe and bringing awareness to our patterns of behaviour to name a few.


In a world where it can seem we are more divided than ever, maybe, just maybe the missing piece of the jigsaw is in realising that it is hard-wired in us to connect. One of the longest studies of what makes us humans happy, living long and healthy lives, undeniably shows that connection with others is up there on the scale.


We know we can feel lonely in a room full of people, which is why it is so important to focus on the quality of connection. Just maybe, this is a missing piece in the puzzle.


For humanity


I can't think of a better time than now in our history to do this work. To practice this quality of connection, to explore and discover rapport, kinship, and belonging.


Not always an easy path I know, but perhaps the greatest gift we can offer to this world.


If you want to explore this more, feel free to reach out to me, lots of support here.


Best wishes from R.